I haven’t had a good relationship with food and my body for a few tears. After attempting to put myself together for several months, I thought I was doing great. Until I unconsciously went back to my old habits, and found myself in the middle of a binging session on food I’d forbidden myself from eating, and realised that I’d been stepping on the scale again and again.
I’ve never told you the whole story. I’m not even sure where to start, and similarly, I don’t want to go into details. But I want to get it off of my chest because I want to be transparent with you. There have been times when I was obsessed with the scale and the number on its display.
I’ve been attempting to write this blog post for weeks at this point. But the truth is that I don’t know where to start, and what is the message I want to convey. I don’t even know how deep I want to go. So, let’s just start at the beginning.
I haven’t had a healthy relationship with food and my body since around the age of seventeen when I noticed that I’d gained some weight. Not that I was chubby or anything, just a normal weight gain that usually occurs to a female body at that age. To someone who was scrawny her entire life, it came across as quite a shock.
This kickstarted years of cycles of starvation periods, overexercising, periods of removing entire food groups out of my diet, periods of significant weight loss, and periods of regaining that weight back. Lots of periods. Except for the biological ones, as I’d lost my period a few times for several months at a time.
All this escalated in May or June this year after a few months of trying a “new lifestyle”. Because you know, it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle change, of course. This “lifestyle change” that required me to give up an entire nutrient group got me even beyond my goal weight. But the weight wasn’t the only thing I lost. I also lost all of my energy, my period, and about half of my hair.
I was staring at my body in the mirror in disbelief. I could see the protruding ribs, and hollow cheeks, and yet, when I looked down at my body, the only thing I saw was fat. That was the moment I realised that I needed to take this seriously. I needed to take better care of myself. I started eating everything and prohibited myself from stepping on the scale. And it worked. Yeah, the beginnings were tough, but after a while, I started feeling good again. Within and about my body.
After months of trying to put myself together, I decided to step on the scale. I dusted it off and stepped on it one foot followed by the other. I took a deep breath in waiting anxiously for the number to appear. Eventually, it did. And I was… confused. I’d gained weight. And yes, it was needed. But I’ve never felt thinner. It was unlike I’ve ever experienced. When I was at my lowest weight, I felt massive. And here I was, almost the heaviest I’ve ever been, feeling skinnier than ever.
For a few weeks, I thought I was doing great. For a while, I didn’t care. Until I unconsciously went back to my old habits, and found myself in the middle of a binging session on food I’d forbidden myself from eating, and realised that I’d been stepping on the scale again and again.
And that’s where I am with my relationship with food and my body at the moment. It’s a long and rocky journey out of this. Don’t be scared to talk to someone about your problems. You’re never alone.
See you soon!
xoxo, S. V.
Read my previous blog post here.