I walked past the mirror. There was a person staring at me. I could see a hint of disappointment in her eyes. She bore a striking resemblance to me. She had my brown eyes, my nose, my lips. And yet, she wasn’t me. She was a stranger.
For the past few days, I have been feeling empty. Like an utter failure. I feel like I am successfully failing at life. I have a vague idea of what my goal looks like. But I don’t know where the finish line is. There is no map either. It’s not a journey that’s easy to follow. It’s a maze. The maze of life full of dead ends and confusing turns.
Nothing excites me anymore. And yet, it has been only a few weeks since I had an ecstatic feeling that something big was coming. Somewhere deep inside, I still have that feeling. It’s just that the longer it’s taking, the more hopeless I’m getting. I keep smiling at people, pretending I’m having a good time. But it’s all fake. I’m stuck in one place tied up. And I don’t know how to release myself or which way to go. I’ve been searching for freedom, but in the pursuit of it, I got stuck.
I feel like there is no point in what I’m doing. I love creating content, but I feel like it’s not helping anyone or at least providing any value. I would love to help people, but I don’t know how. I’m not necessarily talking about charity work. Just the smallest things that will make a smile on people’s faces. I’d love to create content that tells a story. I’m a writer. I’m a storyteller. A storyteller with no story to tell.
I wrote this a few days ago when my mood hit rock bottom. Depression is unpredictable and can affect anyone. It can be your friend or a family member, and you might not even be aware of it because they can be acting like everything is okay, when it’s far from the truth.
It might even be you who is suffering. If that’s the case, I encourage you to talk to someone. A friend, or a family member, or whoever you trust. Personally, what helps me the most is writing it down. I have a special journal dedicated to whatever burden is on my mind. I find that putting my thoughts on a piece of paper works as an instant relief. And that’s why I’m also publishing this, although I didn’t think I would. But I want to have something here to look back at to see how far I’ve come.
I’m sorry that this post is so over the place.
Love you angels!
xoxo, S. V.